I had an incredibly powerful meditation 3 days ago. I woke up around 5:30 and drove to “Not-So-Secret” Beach. As I walked down the dark, nondescript path in my rain boots, trampling on dead hala leaves and ducking under trees, I had a sense of accomplishment wash over me. I have fallen out of my meditation practice over the past few months and this marked the first day of reestablishing my routine.
I reached the water’s edge and spread my blanket on the black sand. The ocean was roaring and it smelled so fresh and clean. There was a light breeze and I was happy that I decided to put on a scarf before I left my tent. I had envisioned myself sitting on my blanket, eyes closed, feeling my body and setting some intentions. However, the scene was so beautiful I didn’t want to miss a thing, so I just sat there, listening to music and saying thank you to God for all of the amazing gifts he’s given me in this life.
I started to think about my dad. He died in a car accident when I was a year and half old and over the past couple years he’s been on my mind a lot. I have been longing to have a relationship with him – to really feel his presence, his love. I’ve only seen pictures and heard stories about him. I don’t remember him at all.
As I sat on the beach, the sun began to rise and it spontaneously brought me to my feet. I walked toward the water to get as close as I could to the warm sun. My heart began to race and I started to cry for no reason at all. It took me off guard, but then I realized that my father had entered my thoughts as if out of nowhere. I could feel his presence. How do I know it was him? I don’t know how. I just did. So there I stood, laugh-crying, heart racing and filled up with so much love. I thanked him for coming and didn’t move too much for fear of losing this feeling. My hands were in prayer and nestled against my heart.
My obsessive thoughts about my dad led me to an energy worker in Dallas over the holidays. She told me that I should let him know that I’m not scared and that he can show himself any time (I guess this was one of those times). It sounded a little too out there for me…like I didn’t have the ability to connect energetically with the souls who have passed. She assured me that I could. I guess you don’t fully believe something until you experience it yourself.
The conversation I had with my dad wasn’t like the conversations we have with each other here on earth. I would throw something out there and just feel his response. I became skeptical quickly and realized I could just be creating this because I’ve been missing him for so long. Maybe I’m crazy.
I had a reading done with Kathy, a volunteer here at Kalani and one of the most intuitive women I’ve ever met, the week before. She cleared a lot of unnecessary energy and energy that I picked up from other people over the past 34 years. In that same session, she channeled my dad. I’ve always been very skeptical of this kind of thing in the past, but we are energy and energy cannot be destroyed, even when the physical body dies.
She told me some things about him. He kept saying that he was so young. He said he always saw himself as a “lone wolf” and was happy that I found a way to surround myself with a tribe–that’s the word he used. He was also so proud of me and that he has been with me on and off my entire life. Kathy asked if I was in an accident (which I was). He told her that he was there, and I believe it. In high school I was in the back seat of an SUV without my seat belt on and we flipped 4 and half times. I walked away with a bloody nose and some scratches and soreness.
She said he also used to sing me a song. But then she changed it to jingle because, as she put it, “he’s showing me bells.” I still have to ask my mom about that one. But while I was at that same beach a day later the “Double Mint Gum” jingle popped in my head, and he was there that day, too.
So as I stood there, spending time with my dad, I asked him if I could see him. “I only have pictures” I said. “Please, will you let me see you?” I waited. I looked around, my body stiff. Still with my hands snug to my heart…I don’t know why I thought I couldn’t move during this experience!
After a couple minutes, I remembered that when Kathy was channeling him, she pointed and said he was standing over my right shoulder behind me. So naturally, I slowly turned my head in anticipation, over my shoulder, ready to see my father. The sun was in the perfect place and warm on my face, and the image that I saw over my right shoulder…was my shadow. My fucking shadow! I looked forward back at the ocean and at the sun while I laugh-cried once again. And once I caught my breath, only moments later, I turned back to see him, the extension of myself, and it was gone. The sun had moved and my shadow was in a different place. The timing of the whole experience was impeccable.
I thought he left, but he hadn’t. I closed my eyes and felt him directly in front of me, his hands, large and around mine that were still in prayer. His hands completely took over mine and we stood – forehead to forehead. I thought about how weird it must be for him that I am older than he was when he died. I cried about how difficult it must have been for him to leave his family behind. I thanked him for being with me now and all the times before when I wasn’t aware. He’s sweet. Like really amazingly sweet, loving, and playful.
After we shared that moment I stood there with my eyes closed, hands still at my heart in prayer. My body swayed back and forth. I wasn’t doing it! It was just happening. Almost like when you get pushed on a swing. You have no control of how high you go forward and backward, but you love every minute of it and wait for the next ride. I was laughing so hard as my body went back and forth…sometimes it felt like I was going to fall down. Then, after a few minutes, I gradually came to a stand still. There I was, right back where I started, eyes closed, hands in prayer against my heart, tears running down my cheeks, heart racing and trying to catch my breath.
I hung out with my dad. I totally. hung. out. with my dad! I didn’t really understand the magnitude of the experience until I showed up at that same beach again yesterday at 6:15. And he joined me again. This time I didn’t stand frozen in one place. I climbed on top of some lava rocks for a better view. I reached my hands into the air and worshipped the sun, the ocean, the trees, God.
And he was there the whole time. I danced. For 15 minutes, at least, I danced my heart out. I thought for a moment how embarrassed I would be if someone showed up, but then I said to myself, “So what if a stranger shows up and sees me dancing. Am I going to rob myself of this joy, this freedom, because someone who I don’t know MIGHT show up and see me? Hell, they would probably love to see some girl dancing with all her heart on the beach by herself! They might even join me!” So I danced more freely, giving thanks to God, the Universe, my higher Self. Anything is possible, you just have to open your heart, be quiet, and listen. I am infinite. I am an extension of my dad, of God, of the Universe and of you.
P.S. A few weeks later, after many visits to that same beach at the same time, I realized that it was impossible for the sun to cast a long shadow over my right shoulder. It was always short and directly behind me…for my entire time at the beach. There is no way the sun would project my shadow in one place, and then project it in a totally different place within seconds. There goes my logical brain again…playing tricks on me, trying to convince me that I didn’t see what I saw.