During my relaxation and much needed solitude after coordinating the Hawai’i Yoga Festival, I read some old journal entries to see how I’ve changed since being here at Kalani. This entry is a prefect example of truth behind the old adage “be careful what you ask for.” I wrote this approximately 4 months ago…
I’m sitting on my tent’s patio drinking coffee and enjoying the perfect morning. Perfect temperature, perfect sunlight, perfect bird songs and perfect breeze. My body is sore from the housekeeping department’s field games and I couldn’t be more pleased with these sensations. I haven’t been very active lately and 3-legged racing and slip-n-sliding are just what I needed.
Hawaii is an interesting place. Not just the physical, Garden of Eden type setting with perfect weather, rainbows and ocean waves. But the transformations that we have all gone through. I’m in month 4 now and I’m getting antsy. Yes yes, I know, poor Tiffany living in Paradise. But you can only be on vacation for so long before you begin to lose your sense of purpose and your contribution to humanity.
Where’s the balance? I like a little stress. I like some deadlines. I absolutely love setting a goal and achieving it. I revel in the completion of a job well done. A job that was difficult and demanded my brain power and tested my patience and perseverance. The relaxation and party times are much more enjoyable when you’ve spent the days, weeks or months pushing your limits and seeing what you’re made of. That beer at the end of the day tastes better when you’ve fallen on your face and either picked yourself up or fallen down again. Because it doesn’t matter if you experienced the former or the latter, all that matters is that you were out there doing it. I love that feeling. I even love the disappointed feeling to a certain degree because I know that sooner or later I’m going to rise to the top of that setback and learn a lesson from it.
Now, if you were to catch me amidst that challenging time, there is a pretty good chance I will behave a little less noble! But in the long run, and looking back on those times, I’m so grateful that I went through them. Those moments made me who I am today and it helps me to appreciate where I am right now, because I know a change is coming. I’m getting to work my way out of this funk and the light at the end is so fucking bright…I can feel it in my bones.
You don’t want to be happy all the time. You can’t have blissful and unencumbered happiness without hitting the lowest of the low. Life works in paradoxes. You can’t be generous without having a certain degree of selfishness. You can’t be all light with no dark side. Embrace your shadow self, that part of you that is just a little bit (or a lot) dark. I’ve spent so much time and energy despising the aspect of myself that gets discouraged when things aren’t going exactly as planned. What I’ve learned to do now is to acknowledge it and not get stuck in it. It is impermanent, it will eventually pass. I can either passively sit back and let it consume me, leading to excuses and justifications for negative behavior, or I can notice these feelings, spend time with them, feel where it’s happening in my body…get to the root. Acknowledgement is key. Action is imperative.
I’m going to do something different, because wallowing in my loneliness is hindering my birthright to be AWESOME! Things beyond my conscious observation are happening right now to get me closer to my goal. My biggest problem right now is my lack of clarity on said goal. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted when I arrived here, the past couple of months have changed that vision completely.
It’s interesting looking back and having record of my thoughts. I did end up doing something different. I did end up learning huge lessons, I did get to see what I’m made of and I saw very clearly what was just “talk” and what I have actually learned and implemented. The temper tantrums and overuse of the “F ” word when things got tough during the festival showed me exactly how much room is left for improvement!
Have you pushed your limits lately?